The Hidden Cost of Comparing Yourself to Others
Hello! Susannah here, your Gutsy guide to all things shyness and social anxiety. Today, I’m bringing my insights and experiences to tackle a question I often hear: ‘How can I stop comparing myself to others?’ We all do it, it drains our energy and causes so much pain... and it can change – so let’s get started.
The exhausting cycle of social comparison
I still remember the sting of that spring dance performance. There I was, a little girl skipping excitedly towards my family, only to hear my grandma gushing about another dancer – who, adding insult to injury, had the same name as me! While my mother’s praise cushioned the blow, that moment helped fuel decades of comparison. These things stick.
According to Dr Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory, this tendency to measure ourselves against others is deeply ingrained in human psychology. Recent research from the University of Pennsylvania found that social media users report feelings of decreased wellbeing, often due to comparing themselves to others online.
Why we can’t stop comparing
The truth is, you will likely never stop comparing yourself to other people. It’s part of how we protect ourselves and how we relate to each other. In other words, it’s completely human. We are all socially oriented creatures – yes, even the most introverted among us. Comparing ourselves is one way we come to understand who we are.
It seems we start to compare ourselves from a very young age, as we develop our sense of self. Perhaps you remember your parents comparing you to your siblings, cousins, or other kids at school. Whether it was a ‘better than’ or ‘worse than’ comparison, it was teaching you to compare, and you may well still hold onto that habit of comparison and competitiveness.
The sneaky voice of comparison
Unlike the obvious growl of your inner critic, comparison speaks in reasonable whispers. Participants on my courses often describe the inner critic as like a monster or a gremlin. Cruel and vicious. Poking its spindly fingers into your darkest wounds and insecurities.
But comparison is more insidious. It can seem rational and logical. And that makes it easy to believe and hard to argue with. ‘She’s so much better at public speaking’ or ‘Everyone else seems to know what they’re doing’ sound like simple truths rather than the harmful self-judgements they really are.
What’s the cost of comparing yourself?
Negative social comparison fuels self-criticism, lowers your self-esteem, makes you constantly doubt your worth and keeps your stuck in your head, consumed by worry instead of present, ready and able to interact and enjoy ourselves.
Those are all things you might already be aware of. But there’s a bigger impact that’s so all-pervasive it can be hard to spot: it drains your energy, attention, creativity and vitality. It keeps you trapped in your thoughts and stops you connecting with others in the moment. And it sucks away energy that could otherwise fuel your pursuit of things that help you discover more of who you are, and all the wonderful things you have to contribute to the world.
Breaking free from the comparison trap
The solution isn’t to stop comparing entirely – that’s probably impossible.
Instead, try these approaches:
Practice neutral self-observation
Notice when you’re comparing without judging yourself for itCreate distance
Take a deep breath and physically ‘shake out’ the thoughtRedirect the energy
Channel comparison into inspiration by asking ‘What specifically do I admire here?’Focus on your unique qualities
Build a robust understanding of what makes you distinctively you
Want more in-depth exercises to help you shift the habit of comparing yourself to others? 💫
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