How to Stop Feeling Bad About Yourself: A Guide to Self-Acceptance
Picture this: You’re at a party, watching someone chat effortlessly with strangers while you clutch your drink, wondering why you can’t do the same. That feeling isn’t just uncomfortable – it’s exhausting. Through my work, I’ve seen how this pattern drains people’s energy and dims their light.
The energy cost of low self-esteem
When you’re constantly monitoring yourself, measuring up against others, and trying to calculate what everyone thinks of you, there’s little energy left for simply being present and authentic. It’s like running two lives simultaneously – the one you’re living and the one you’re critiquing.
I used to spend so much time worrying about what others thought of me, trying to measure up or constantly checking myself to make sure I was doing, saying or wearing the right thing. After all that, there wasn’t much time or energy left to explore who I was, what I thought or what I actually cared about.
I didn’t get the practice in allowing myself to be seen, to try things out, experiment, fail, try again, because I was so guarded and so busy adapting myself to who and what was going on around me.
Negative comparison is one of the most common struggles people share with me — whether they’re out on a limb, trying something gutsy and new, or just dealing with the day-to-day pain of social anxiety.
Shifting it can transform the way you experience social interactions, from anxiety, overwhelm and distress to peace, presence and easy expression.
The science of self-acceptance
Research consistently shows that self-compassion outperforms self-criticism in creating lasting change. In her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, Kristin Neff writes that:
“self-critics are less likely to achieve their goals… In one study, for instance, college students were asked to describe their various academic, social, and health-related goals, and then to report on how much progress they had made toward these goals. Self-critics made significantly less progress toward their goals than others and also reported that they procrastinated more often. So, instead of being a useful motivational tool, self-criticism may actually cause us to shoot ourselves in the foot.”
Think of self-criticism as a double espresso and self-compassion as a good night’s sleep – one gives you a quick jolt, but the other provides sustainable energy. I don’t believe it’s possible to develop the kind of confidence, ease and connection we all want by dragging ourselves through the mud, yelling abuse and training ourselves to get really good at absorbing criticism.
Your path to self-acceptance
Here are three powerful exercises to begin your journey:
1. Watch & Learn: Build a habit of noticing when you’re being hard on yourself and comparing yourself to other people
2. The YOU List: Write down and celebrate 100 things that make you uniquely you
3. Gold Mining: Transform jealousy into inspiration
4. True Values: Get clear on your values so you become the only judge that matters
Want to dive deeper into these exercises, build self-esteem and shift the habit of comparing yourself to others?
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One of the most heartening aspects of running group courses is the incredible relief that participants experience when they share their struggles with others and a ripple of nods flows through the room. Knowing that you’re not alone is amazing medicine.
While reading my words here might not have the same bone-deep impact as when we’re together, I hope that you know you’re not alone in this experience, that it’s completely human, and that you can find ways to ease its grip.